Are you going to continue with this blog??
AnonymousOf course! It will stay right here too, so don’t worry about following any new accounts to keep getting Karp Chronicles on your dashboard. :)
David Karp sat in his dark office cackling menacingly in the soft light from his MacBook Pro
His latest evil deed had nearly come to fruition and the tumblr users would soon be in a panic. David smiled a toothy grin. Not since lolsummer69 had he concocted something quite this deviant.
Suddenly his office door burst open and in came a complete SWAT team. They kept their aim on Karp with rifles locked and loaded as a tiny woman stepped into the room. She spoke softly,
“David.”
“Holy shit” he exclaimed.
“David don’t do this.”
David’s eyes darted back and forth.
“David please. Think of the bloggers!”
David moved his hand back to the laptop as the SWAT team inched closer to him. He raised a single finger.
“DAVID NO!” the woman cried.
But it was too late. David’s clicked the trackpad on the laptop and the team opened fire. The bullets ripped through Karp’s impossibly scrawny body like tiny hurricanes. He collapsed to the floor in a pool of his own blood. The woman rushed to his side and held his awkward cheekbones in her hands. David, choking on his own blood, gurgled out one last sentence.
“Did…. she j..ust post….. her own nudes……..LOL”
David Karp sat alone in tumblr’s server room
Sarah Hyneman, VP of tumblr, entered the room.
“David what are you doing?”
“What do you mean what am I doing?” responded David innocently as he poured another mug of hot chocolate onto the server.
“Stop doing that! You’re going to bring down the site again!” Sarah rushed over and took the mug out of David’s small, fragile hands.
David began to scream and cry. He flopped onto his stomach and pounded the floor with his fists. “NOBODY UNDERSTANDS ME!”
David Karp woke up screaming and promptly banged his head on the top bunk
Mrs. Karp burst through his bedroom door and ran to her pathetic son’s bedside. “What is it Davey?! I heard you shouting on the baby monitor.”
David lay back down and quietly sobbed into his Star Wars pillow case. “I just realized I’ve made a terrible mistake.”
Mrs. Karp looked down at her son in remorse and softly rubbed his back through his flannel Spongebob pyjamas. “Is this about the post limit?”
David jolted out of bed, knocking his kindly old mother to the floor. “NO MOTHER, DON’T YOU SEE!? I placed a post limit but not a follow limit! I can’t let users follow people when ever they feel like it!” David pulled out his iPhone 4S and called Sarah Hyneman, VP of Tumblr.
“Sarah, I want you to limit following to 50 follows per day immediately.”
“Okay David,” replied Sarah groggily. “But it’s 3AM. Can I do it in the morning?”
David stared blankly at his smartphone.
Sarah gave up, “Alright I’m on it.”
Mrs. Karp tucked David back into bed and then returned to her bedroom to pour a glass of vodka and cry herself to sleep.
David Karp slammed his fists down on his solid mahogany desk
“SARAH!”
His angry voice echoing through the halls of the tumblr office and the souls of its employees. The sound of frightened footsteps skittered throughout the building as the tumblr staff had not dealt with a Karp outrage in nearly three months.
A timid and meagre looking woman entered David’s office. Sarah had not been summoned to do Karp’s dirty work in a while and she was terrified to hear what he had in store for her today. “Hello Mr. Karp,” she squeaked softly. “What can I help you with?”
David’s gaze remained fixed on his MacBook Pro. “I want you to tell me why tumblr users are happy.”
Sarah opened her mouth to speak but was cut off by David’s interjection.
“This is my fucking website! Why are people ENJOYING my website?!”
“I.. I don’t know David,” replied Sarah as she slowly backed herself into the corner of the room. “The site’s been having great reports and our down time is at an all time low so maybe-“
“Maybe? Maybe what?” David looked up from his monitor to his frightened assisstant just long enough to send a shiver down her spine. “Maybe my users are enjoying the site I pay for a little too much?”
“Yes, but David that’s the poin-” Sarah immediately quit speaking and dodged an incoming stapler.
“THE POINT?!” David screamed, but then remembered his anger management course and time served in the NY State Pen, he calmed down. “The point is users are having too much fun so we’re going to limit it. Got it?”
“Limit.. the fun? Exactly how are we going to do that?”
“I think 250 posts a day should do the trick.”
“But David!”
“MAKE IT 150!”
“DAVID!”
“SEVENTY-FIVE! NOW GET OUT OF MY OFFICE YOU BUSINESS CLASS HARLOT!”
Sarah turned and ran, slamming the door shut just as a reclining office chair crashed through the window next to her. She stumbled back to her cubicle and fell to the floor, unable to hold back the tears. It seemed as though tumblr was heading back in the opposite direction, and with all the progress David had made with his therapist in the previous months, she couldn’t help but feel hopelessly trapped.
